What Am I Doing?

I’m 20 years old and don’t know what I’m doing, surprise.

This blog will be a little different. Though I want this to be a place where you can come to and find some self help tips and tricks, it is also a place where you can find someone to relate with. I’m not perfect, I don’t have all the answers nor do I pretendĀ  to have them. I don’t know what is right or what is wrong. I don’t always pick the easy way and sometimes I do. I cry and I laugh. I fail and I win. I’m a lot like you, more than you think.

Senior year of high school you can see all your potential and all your failures all at once. The only way to find out which one is going to happen is by taking that step, a chance, and experiencing it. My senior year I saw a lot of potential in places I didn’t get to. This isn’t a bad thing, but it doesn’t feel that great either at times. I wanted to graduate from my private school, be with my best friends there for a life time. I wanted to make a difference some where. That all didn’t happen and it all seemed to crumble, but I didn’t know at the time, in all the right places.

I didn’t stay at my school. I got into a tough school, feeling privileged to be there, but didn’t feel like I belonged. Never force yourself into a place where you don’t feel like you belong. It never works from what I’ve heard and experienced. I loved my time there and learned a lot about myself. Social Work isn’t for, learned that off and on from fighting the idea. Religion wasn’t my place either, though I found it interesting. I wanted to help people, be a part of how it all was put together and then watch it play out. How the hell was I going to do that?

I started to work at a camp during the summers. My first year I was nervous, awkward and uncomfortable with myself. This is typical for me, at least most of my life up until this past year. I haven’t felt like my true self. I didn’t know who I was so I pretended and played along with ideas of what I wanted. This first summer taught me a hell of a lot. Stuff that most people wouldn’t understand unless they’ve been a camp counselor before. You find what stresses you out, that you can wait to have kids, and that you really can find the best out of every situation.

After leaving the school I went to I had no plans, at all. I was scared and tried to hide it, everyone knew it though. I like to play tough all of the time. When you wear your shield and push through it, some how you get to the end. I won’t lie, there were times I had to drop my armor to catch my breath, but I had to pick it up again.

This last summer I found a job where I could help lots of people, I can be the back bone to how things are done. I could be involved but also take that step back to watch everything else fall into place. Not only would I get to get my hands dirty and have a little fun, I could also do the business side of things. I found out I wanted to by Program Director. I worked extra hard on proving to myself and those around me that I was capable of it. All of my friends, coworkers and family fully supported me along the way and it all felt so right. I was asked to stick around after summer camp and they would help me make my dream come true.

Even when you have all the answers in front of you it doesn’t seem right, maybe it’s because you’re scared and think that when everything is going right something has to be wrong. This isn’t always the case. I am afraid to take that step into adulthood and start my career, I will admit that right now. Like a started this post out, I am 20 years old. I am so young, I don’t act like it which is why I’m in the position I am in now. Just because I act older than I really am, doesn’t mean I’m ready to be older than I am. I’m scared to have what I want because I rarely get that. The chance to say I’m normal or happy usually drags some sort of drama behind it, just enough to wipe off the sugar coating on my happy news.

I know it’s ok to be scared. I know it’s ok to be happy. Why is it that I can’t seem to find an even ground any where?

I don’t want to finish this off with the mood of, “Well, Aubrey isn’t grateful is she?” because I am. I am beyond amazed at all the opportunities I have gotten to experience. I am grateful for the people who have gotten me where I am today. I’m simple using my right to express myself.

Thank you for all your support and reading my venting session this week.

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Write It Out

I can’t count the number of times where I’ve typed out a rant about whatever is eating away at me. I type with a fire burning at my finger tips. My mind racing through words that fit perfectly to describe the distress I am in. I have to use the right words in order for you to correctly understand that I am beyond pissed off, but I know it’s ridiculous for me to be pissed off, but it’s ok that I’m pissed off. I put so much time and effort into this perfect piece. Once I’m down I can let that tense air, that has been built up inside of me, out. My eyes scan over it, slightly taken back by how much I’ve written. I look at it from an outside now, no longer stuck in those feelings. “I can’t post this,” I say to myself, without a doubt, every time I try to rant. I shrug it off and tap the back button till all 700 words have left and I’m staring at the blinking curses waiting to be given more letters to spell out.

It almost seems silly, why do I waste my time on something no one will read or may never relate to? Why bother, right? So, incredibly wrong, at least for me. I love to write. I could write like I’m speaking to you directly all day long, even it’s about how the cat still won’t let me pet her. There is something about spilling my thoughts that feel trapped and crowded in my mind onto a page and riding it forever.

Do you write? If not, why? I mean, I’m sure you have your reasons, and I completely understand. For some people asking them to write is like asking them to walk a tight rope, it’s crazy, hard and intimidating. What if I told you that difficult, scary tight rope was actually laying on the ground and that you could do it? Writing is for everyone, it’s just how you write.

Before i made this post I made a huge rant about how this has been the week from hell. I went on and on about how everything went wrong this week. It was so nice to finally tell my side of my frustrations and not have to hear something back. Not that I don’t enjoy helping others through their problems or talking about mine with someone, but I love being able to lay it all out without feedback. You don’t hear the, “You think your week was bad? Well, don’t even get me started on my week!” or even the, “It’ll get better, I promise.” No. I don’t need that. I need to get mad, hate my week, hate on the people that didn’t help it, just get out my general frustrations.

Everyone needs that, you need that. I write about taking time for you in almost every post. I want to be your weekly reminder to treat yourself, make yourself feel good, see what you’ve got going for you, acknowledge life is hard either in your past, now or in the future. Realize you will have your battles and the days you don’t want to get out of bed. I also want you to remember that you’re beautiful. You’re unique. You’re you, and you can only be the best you. How many times can I say you in one line?

Any way, my challenge for you is to open up word. Not a piece of paper or a diary, go ahead and click on the little W. Type about anything that pops in your head. “Why doesn’t my cat love me?”, “Why don’t clothes wash themselves?”, “Can I just win the lottery already?” anything that frustrates you. Just type and type till you feel you’ve gone over your metal frustrations. Don’t hold back, you curse, use names, say how you really feel, because only you see this. When you’re done take time to read it over, skim it if you want. Notice the difference you have from writing it out to reading it. Then put your finger on that delete button and erase it all. Don’t cheat and just close out of the document. I suppose highlighting it all and tapping delete works.

Don’t just do this once, do it maybe onceĀ  a week. It helps.

Take a Chance

Early 2000 my mother and I moved into a new house. I had no friends, obviously from the move. I asked her, “Can I go see if there are any kids I can go play with?” She didn’t see anything wrong with it. Her only rule was that I didn’t go into anyone’s house. I went door to door, knocking and asking parents that answered if they had any kids I could play with. After the fourth house I knocked and finally got the answer I was looking for. “Ya, why don’t you come on in and meet her!” We hit it off and played for hours. Later that night her father, a police officer comes in asking his wife if she has seen anyone that fit my description perfectly. Sure enough my mother had stopped him and was looking for me. I broke the one rule she had, but I made a life time friend.

This week we had the special Super Blood Moon. I went to the square with the idea I would get some work done. As I pulled into the square I saw a bunch of people sitting on the grass around the court-house to watch the moon. Once I parked I didn’t see the harm in joining them. I didn’t know much about the Super Blood Moon, but I was interested and wanted to see what all the hype was about. After sitting there for a while by myself, someone stopped to ask me if I was there for the moon. We chatted about how disappointing it was and some how ended up talking for another hour about our jobs and outlooks on different things. Complete stranger, really fun conversation.

Both of theses stories, to me, show what opportunities and experience you can get by just taking a step toward something new. I didn’t know that those stories would end the way they did. Both of these are obviously the good examples of what can happen when you put yourself out there a little more than you usually do. Lets be realistic though, there are some bad experiences out there as well.

Freshman year, spring semester I found out that my dream of working in the church, at the time, could come true. I was extremely excited at all the advantages the job had and how perfect it was for me. I applied and received an interview. Through the process of it all I found out one of my best friends was applying for the job as well. I was confident in my work, experience and presentation. Nothing was going to slow me down. The day came where all of my friends were hanging out in my room and I received the call I’d been waiting for. I stepped in the hall way and was told I didn’t get the job. After getting onto my bed my friend who applied as well received her call, she got it.

I’ve never been so torn between happiness for a friend and jealousy. The questions of what made her better than me, why was I not the one and who really deserved it. To this day I have a hard time walking int that church without feeling sad or the slightest bit jealous. Not getting that job helped me find my true calling though.

What I want you to get from these stories is that even though you’re scared, reserved or even too depressed to experience something, do it any way. I have learned so much from taking a simple step into the unknown. Being a victim to depression and anxiety, I truly know how hard it can be to do just that. Your mind gets so caught up in what could happen, mainly the bad stuff. Because your thinking so hard about the negatives you start to see them and not see any positives and it consumes your vision. Soon it’s just easier to stay home, curl up in bed and just be with yourself and your comforts.

One event can completely change your future and your emotions. Even if you’re happy where you’re at, don’t get comfortable. Happiness is an even bigger reason to experience more. You’re already happy, you may find something even better.

Stir up a conversation with someone new.

Try a new restaurant.

Tell your close friends and family a part of you that you’ve wanted to share with them.

Take a chance.

Can You Picture It?

I have a fun start to my new blog that I wanted to try out. As I stared at an empty box on my computer I wanted to write something that wasn’t a spill of my emotions, a revealing of the deep thoughts I have in my head or some opinion on how the world is turning out. Though I will have days that I spill my heart into the key board, I wanted to be creative today. Work a part of my brain that hasn’t been used in who knows how long.

When you read this do just as you would your favorite novel. Where the words paint a picture for you. Start with a blank slate, black everything, noises canceled out, all your focus on the words in front of you, as best as you can. I don’t want you to picture where I am at or what I describe, but your own version of it. You’ll see what I mean, just relax and take this time to focus on nothing but your creativity.

Your black abyss becomes comfortable with the warm colors that spread over the sky. The sun is low and shines a beautiful orange ray across all that is above you. The sky is clear and still holds the blue from the day, hanging in the air for just a little while longer. The air holds a subtle wind that lightly cools your skin, just enough to make you feel at ease and not worry about slipping on a jacket or dabbing the sweat away. It’s the perfect weather that you don’t notice because it’s just right. Along with the wind the sent of food flows with it. Nothing too strong, but enough to make you wonder what it is you’re smelling. On top of the wind and the food there is the busy sound of people. Feet stepping, chatter and laughter come from various places, nothing worth listening to. The sound of cars humming over the road, radios singing out and motors rumbling.

What are you feeling? There is so much to take in, yet we don’t always take it in. We sit stuck in our heads or in our phones. Stress begins to eat at our time, our patience, our happiness. You have time to take a breath and notice the room you’re in, the people that are around you and even the things that aren’t around you. That bird outside your window stopped chirping, the dog’s finally scared off whatever they were barking at, your coworker isn’t munching on chips obnoxiously.

If you have the small amount of time to read my silly little blog, you have enough time to take it in. Give it a break. Every week or two I find myself tense, worried and afraid about anything and everything that could pop into my head. My escape is watching some sad movie that is going to break me down and cry it out. Once I’ve cried myself tired, I go to bed. The next day I feel ready for whatever I have to face the next day. What is your release? How do you escape? Even if it is for a minute, thirty minutes or more find something and make sure to do it.

You’re in charge or your body and how you treat it. You can take that as just another thing to worry about or you can take it as an adventure, an experiment. What can you do for you?

Start a book.

Start a blog.

Take a nap.

Put your earbuds in.

Vent to someone.

Smile.

Be the best you that you can be.