I’m 20 years old and don’t know what I’m doing, surprise.
This blog will be a little different. Though I want this to be a place where you can come to and find some self help tips and tricks, it is also a place where you can find someone to relate with. I’m not perfect, I don’t have all the answers nor do I pretend to have them. I don’t know what is right or what is wrong. I don’t always pick the easy way and sometimes I do. I cry and I laugh. I fail and I win. I’m a lot like you, more than you think.
Senior year of high school you can see all your potential and all your failures all at once. The only way to find out which one is going to happen is by taking that step, a chance, and experiencing it. My senior year I saw a lot of potential in places I didn’t get to. This isn’t a bad thing, but it doesn’t feel that great either at times. I wanted to graduate from my private school, be with my best friends there for a life time. I wanted to make a difference some where. That all didn’t happen and it all seemed to crumble, but I didn’t know at the time, in all the right places.
I didn’t stay at my school. I got into a tough school, feeling privileged to be there, but didn’t feel like I belonged. Never force yourself into a place where you don’t feel like you belong. It never works from what I’ve heard and experienced. I loved my time there and learned a lot about myself. Social Work isn’t for, learned that off and on from fighting the idea. Religion wasn’t my place either, though I found it interesting. I wanted to help people, be a part of how it all was put together and then watch it play out. How the hell was I going to do that?
I started to work at a camp during the summers. My first year I was nervous, awkward and uncomfortable with myself. This is typical for me, at least most of my life up until this past year. I haven’t felt like my true self. I didn’t know who I was so I pretended and played along with ideas of what I wanted. This first summer taught me a hell of a lot. Stuff that most people wouldn’t understand unless they’ve been a camp counselor before. You find what stresses you out, that you can wait to have kids, and that you really can find the best out of every situation.
After leaving the school I went to I had no plans, at all. I was scared and tried to hide it, everyone knew it though. I like to play tough all of the time. When you wear your shield and push through it, some how you get to the end. I won’t lie, there were times I had to drop my armor to catch my breath, but I had to pick it up again.
This last summer I found a job where I could help lots of people, I can be the back bone to how things are done. I could be involved but also take that step back to watch everything else fall into place. Not only would I get to get my hands dirty and have a little fun, I could also do the business side of things. I found out I wanted to by Program Director. I worked extra hard on proving to myself and those around me that I was capable of it. All of my friends, coworkers and family fully supported me along the way and it all felt so right. I was asked to stick around after summer camp and they would help me make my dream come true.
Even when you have all the answers in front of you it doesn’t seem right, maybe it’s because you’re scared and think that when everything is going right something has to be wrong. This isn’t always the case. I am afraid to take that step into adulthood and start my career, I will admit that right now. Like a started this post out, I am 20 years old. I am so young, I don’t act like it which is why I’m in the position I am in now. Just because I act older than I really am, doesn’t mean I’m ready to be older than I am. I’m scared to have what I want because I rarely get that. The chance to say I’m normal or happy usually drags some sort of drama behind it, just enough to wipe off the sugar coating on my happy news.
I know it’s ok to be scared. I know it’s ok to be happy. Why is it that I can’t seem to find an even ground any where?
I don’t want to finish this off with the mood of, “Well, Aubrey isn’t grateful is she?” because I am. I am beyond amazed at all the opportunities I have gotten to experience. I am grateful for the people who have gotten me where I am today. I’m simple using my right to express myself.
Thank you for all your support and reading my venting session this week.